He proves

Here I am, sitting at 11:38 PM, thanking God for the provision he has alotted me. Im no King David, Michael Jordan or David Beckham, but this I do know. I am a child of the MOST HIGH GOD. And that my friend, makes me a prince, apart of the royal lineage, a child of his.

Need I never forget how much the Father always provides for his children. Im taking Ephesians 3:20 to my grave. “He is able to do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine.” And tonight his grace proved again.

I met with an awesome couple tonight who opened their hearts, lives, and business up to me while I have been here in Wake Forest. Not only that, but that are now supporters of Revo Church and the movement to reach the lost people of Winston-Salem, NC. This pumps me up!

God will provide!!

This is what I must believe and what I am seriously resting my life on. Because if it were my choice right now, I would make an easy one and find a job that paid me what I knew I would be getting paid. I am stepping out on this limb, but Im not blind. My eyes are fixed on him to walk the path that is straight and narrow and the believe that he will keep my feet light against the sea.

If my God is for us, then who could ever stop us?

Casted Image

I have made an idol of myself. You are probably asking, ” James, what do you mean?”

I mean that an idol is the displacement of worship for the creator to the things created. Therefore, I, the created, have not been complete in my worship of the One. I feel that everything that I have been trying to fix in my life has only been contingent upon putting the proverbial band aid over the wound but not actually healing the wound.

Its funny when you think about it in that context. When a kid is hurt and the sore is open they have come to associate the healing agent as the actual band aid, but in fact it is the emotional response of the care taker and the antibiotics that healed the child, both emotionally and physically.

Thats me. I find the problem, not only in my life but in others as well, and place the band aid over the wound. Thinking that once again if i do something then of course the effect must equal the favored response. A + B = C, right? I do the pragmatic equation and still find myself feeling a little better about my work but still not completely healed.

Thus, my wound is not restored to health. It is not cured or well. It just looks like its a work in progress. Which, in this society today, shows that I care and that I am trying. I am, but not out of God’s strength, but my own. Each wound grows deeper under the surface while the band aid still reflects my actual pseudo progress until a small thing touches the area and pain climaxes.

So what does this mean? My idol is my self. I am far more concerned with what I look like, what others think about me, who I portray, what man I am growing up to be and so forth. I didn’t sit down and carve a wooden James but I did however look in the mirror and not see Christ. I saw everything I just said before and because of that I did not worship the God who created me but the created person of myself. I saw this not because I want people to read this and again think he wants sympathy or he just has the work in progress motif all over him again, but to bring it to the attention of the church, my brothers and sisters in the Faith. I know I’m not the only one and maybe you do not struggle with this, but if you do, I hope this convicts and brings to attention a detrimental issue of what we are worshiping. Because we all worship something.

I pray that humility will be what I strive for. That the self-centeredness and false hope in myself would be removed and true worship of God the Father and eternal One will result. I pray for those who worship of idols other than God would be brought to attention and repented of as well.

I am worthless

As of late it has been brought to my attention how on my own the worthless nature I deem. That the best I can attempt or succeed is filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6).

This at first produces a very defensive product within myself. One that grows with anger, self contempt, and yields a defeated person. One that stands with my hands in the air, giving up.

I confess, I have been trying to do everything on my own. I ask, pray, when I feel like I need His so called blessing upon my life but during everything else the path and outcome is placed within my own hands. I have been struggling with this for a few weeks now. And because of my efforts to constrain my own power and my own ability I have turned my pursuit and longing to be a man of God seeking only His heart and desire into a selfishness pursuit of vain strength of a boy.

Thus, I have been working endlessly in EVERY aspect of my life trying to find what it means to be a man after God’s own heart. My toil has been fruitful at first. But how quickly does my strength diminish. I grow tired physically because I work crazy hours and still attend school. My spiritual life wains because I feel I have some type of pseudo-strength. And my relationship finds a sense of tiredness and lack of dream and luster. As does my defeated person all together. I try and try and try and find myself falling flat on my face in every area. Yet, I know the solution to my problems that do not only effect me.

I find it in a gracious and heavenly Father. I find it in knowing the freedom I am suppose to be living in. I find it in holding fast to the promises to his children to give the desires of the heart to them when in true fellowship with Him. Simply, I find it in Jesus. Because He is not a mere addition to my life.

He is suppose to be my life. All my weaknesses are made strong in Him. My desires are fulfilled in a Father that wants best for his child. And only out of my complete consumption of Him will any of this ever be possible. Only then will I know what it means to live as a MAN and not a boy.

I pray that I will learn to make this apply to my life, that Jesus will be my life and EVERY aspect of my life will better, will grow fonder, will be wiser because of my growth only in Him. Father, forgive me for those that I have hurt. Let my words be yes and no. Take off my mask of expose myself to the world. I am nothing, but you are everything in me. Humble me…..

Broken, but in repair