As of late it has been brought to my attention how on my own the worthless nature I deem. That the best I can attempt or succeed is filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6).
This at first produces a very defensive product within myself. One that grows with anger, self contempt, and yields a defeated person. One that stands with my hands in the air, giving up.
I confess, I have been trying to do everything on my own. I ask, pray, when I feel like I need His so called blessing upon my life but during everything else the path and outcome is placed within my own hands. I have been struggling with this for a few weeks now. And because of my efforts to constrain my own power and my own ability I have turned my pursuit and longing to be a man of God seeking only His heart and desire into a selfishness pursuit of vain strength of a boy.
Thus, I have been working endlessly in EVERY aspect of my life trying to find what it means to be a man after God’s own heart. My toil has been fruitful at first. But how quickly does my strength diminish. I grow tired physically because I work crazy hours and still attend school. My spiritual life wains because I feel I have some type of pseudo-strength. And my relationship finds a sense of tiredness and lack of dream and luster. As does my defeated person all together. I try and try and try and find myself falling flat on my face in every area. Yet, I know the solution to my problems that do not only effect me.
I find it in a gracious and heavenly Father. I find it in knowing the freedom I am suppose to be living in. I find it in holding fast to the promises to his children to give the desires of the heart to them when in true fellowship with Him. Simply, I find it in Jesus. Because He is not a mere addition to my life.
He is suppose to be my life. All my weaknesses are made strong in Him. My desires are fulfilled in a Father that wants best for his child. And only out of my complete consumption of Him will any of this ever be possible. Only then will I know what it means to live as a MAN and not a boy.
I pray that I will learn to make this apply to my life, that Jesus will be my life and EVERY aspect of my life will better, will grow fonder, will be wiser because of my growth only in Him. Father, forgive me for those that I have hurt. Let my words be yes and no. Take off my mask of expose myself to the world. I am nothing, but you are everything in me. Humble me…..
Broken, but in repair
